Eighth

Some Ramblings - The Hermit

Since the end of July I have spent my days in a way that one could describe as ‘extremely lazy’, ‘quite concerning’ or ‘actually very smart’… depending who that ‘one’ you ask is. 

What have I be doing for 2 months? I’d like to call it hermit-ing.

If you’re into numerology, tarot or astrology you may have heard that, depending on the day you were born, we each represent one of the twelve ‘Major Arcana’. My birthday is June 27th and my Major Arcana is The Hermit. 

I found this out at the end of July and I resonated with this new Hermit character - in an oddly endearing and protective way, that seems misplaced since we are talking about an abstract and fanciful symbol here… remember? 

Ok, I’m going to quote a magic Birthday book my roommate/friend Leath brought into my hobbit hole… at the end of July. 

“…The Hermit, who walks carrying a lantern and a stick; he represents meditation, isolation and silence. The card signifies crystallized wisdom and ultimate discipline. 

June 27 people should learn from The Hermit the value of withdrawal from the world and periodic reexamination of their values, but should also be aware of becoming too isolated” 

~ Goldschneider & Elfers ‘The Secret Language of Birthdays’

Coming in fresh out of a draining year - attempting to start a new business, new relationship and deal with life… I watched as my life took a path that looked quite different than expected. 

Like when you look up a really exciting and beautiful, maybe slightly ambitious, hike or a climb. You arrive at the designated trail head all jazzed up after the planning, the packing, the traveling. You’re still at least 25% asleep, but your brain is jittery from the 1am coffee and your whole body is quite stiff as you shake it out in the parking lot… 

Those moments before the sunrise always make me a little on edge. It seems like the easy part, all you gotta do is get on your way… but in the dark the trail head is less obvious and you didn’t know there was a stream there until your fresh sock/shoe combo splunks into it. You get a little nervous, the sun hasn’t shown you your surroundings yet (thank god you looked up the trail though… optimism!) also you probably need a bathroom ASAP (probably because the McDonald hash browns / coffee combined with the necessary sedentary of travel to your destination. 

I could go on with the comparisson, but that should be enough to get the feeling ... if you’re with me at all at this point.

I had embarked on a journey, I had obsessed over every detail and poured my energy into it’s success. Which isn’t easy to begin with - that involves risk, vulnerability, trust and a whole lot more. And let's see where that's landed me so far...

Beginning of July: Morgan’s looking forward to going to a road trip with her partner, pals and dogs to Lander, Wyoming. Edge of the Wood was in the International Climbers Festival! We were about to meet so many cool people, check out cool new rocks and hopefully make a good amount of money. It’s almost the one year mark of EOTW… and it is feeling like we’ve come a long way. We’re doing it! (I’m super tired but… go us! This is fun…right…? I’m so tired.) 

End of July: My friends are telling me to get in their car, but I want to stay in my house…but I’m scared… but it’s my house and it’s my person! The person I just started a business with and the one I go on all my adventures with! I should be able to fix this if I try a new approach…what else can I do… I also have to stay cool though… can’t be obvious that I feel totally out of control…. I don't think I can stay cool...

What is going on? Seriously. Don’t ask me, because I do not know. Anyone else know? So I listened to my friends. >> Fast Forward >> I’m sitting on my couch in the living room upstairs, my ex had moved everything out of the house in a day, I didn’t see him or know where he was going.  I’m so tired. This is not fun.

By getting into the car that day, taking my friends advice I could admit to myself finally (and to select humans) that everything is indeed falling apart, I do not have any control and am now just along for the ride. From one hundred to zero… that’s how I felt like it went from last September until the end of July… isn’t it supposed to go the other way around? 

This is a semi-explanation of what lead up to the past two months.

What have I been doing? I’d like to call it hermit-ing.

“…The Hermit, who walks carrying a lantern and a stick; he represents meditation, isolation and silence. The card signifies crystallized wisdom and ultimate discipline. 

June 27 people should learn from The Hermit the value of withdrawal from the wold and periodic reexamination of their values, but should also be aware of becoming too isolated” 

~ Goldschneider & Elfers ‘The Secret Language of Birthdays: Your Complete Guide For Each Day of the Year’

You know how you have to turn off your phone for a while when you bring it to the beach and accidentally cause it to overheat and it’s threatening to blow up? 

Doesn’t matter if you had planned to make a call or check on your Fantasy Team or your lost and need directions …. the phone is making alarming sounds, it's pretty jarring and you cant think... it’s flashing ‘WARNING’ on the black screen…

you just have to shut it down for a bit… you’re not listing out your logical choices given time, place, context ... you just shut it off.

 … No, I didn’t see the email or your missed call. No, I don’t have a plan and no, I don’t have much money, and no, I’m not really doing anything about that right now. No, I do not know the time of day. No, I do not want to leave my house. No, I do not want to do much really. Let me hermit, let me hear myself think, let me watch the birds out my window, let me read The Chronicals of Narnia and believe I could get called to Narnia for an adventure. Let me be. 

Don’t ask me questions, because I do not know anything anymore… remember? I can only tell you that Aslan is much more than your ordinary Lion … and that our leaders seem more like dressed up distraught children  than role models … and that wish I saw more kindness and less fear in humans … and that I’m very grateful for the few humans that try to help others, despite it all.

In today's society, with all its cultural norms and systemic believe systems ... I understand why someone would say you gotta 'brush it off and keep going'... I'm politely saying that is not what I am going to do this time. Not to say I haven't tried it in the past.

And know what… I’m sorry…other than the people who are meeting me where I am and showing support in ways that I feel - these people know who they are -

… most everyone else can just lay the heck off and go away... let me hermit while I'm powered off and waiting...

Yes, I am aware that the world didn’t shut down due to my circumstances. I'm fully aware (and do not need to be told) that ‘life goes on'.

The best thing I can do for my life (as it goes on) is to stop the moving, stop giving out energy I don't have. Let me hermit…turn off... let me pop the hood of my own little human experience…take a real look, reflect, be aware of what’s there, be aware of what I want there, be aware of what I deserve there and let time do it’s thing…

PS. Remember how I said when you notice your phones overheating and you do NOT sit and think… hmm how can I figure out how to check my email and get rid of this silly and inconvenient beeping while making sure I can get to my fantasy app. Nope, there's no choice in the matter... phone is turning off. And don't try and use it, don't keep roasting it in the sun either. Protect it with the basics and wait until it is ready to come back on.

Although it's tempting. Don’t throw the phone top the ground or hammer it into pieces out of anger and frustrating while blaming anything and everything (i.e. 'technology is ruining humanity so this phone must DIE' or 'the government is using it to spy on my very interesting and important private life so I must DESTROY it and all evidence it ever existed')

Let people just think what they think. It's tempting to doubt that the stopping, the silence is necessary ... it's easy to let people convince you it's not. It's easy to be hard on yourself for not putting on a brave face and carrying on.

I argue we've been doing that for too long, and it's effecting generations down the line. You could say it's a small way of revolting against the unfairness of life. Let 'them' say you’re lazy, emotional, not thinking clearly. Let them call you crazy.

I'm hermit-ing - just sitting around, reading books, writing, doodling. Laughing and crying. Recharging the soul, waiting attentively for it to show the spark of light that gives the energy for everything else.

What am I doing? I’m actually withdrawing, isolating, meditating, reading, feeling. I'm watching the birds and the elk out the window and listening to music. l'm “hermit-ing”. I decided in this situation (similar to my make believe phone)… it is best to wait … I imagine it will take a good while.